Archive for October, 2010

In a dry and weary land…

Psalm 63:1 says “O God, You are my God; I shall seek You earnestly; My soul thirsts for You, my flesh yearns for You, In a dry and weary land where there is no water.”

Psalm 63:1 in my life looks more like this… In a dry and weary land where there is no water my soul thirsts for You. My flesh Yearns for you. O God, You are my God. I should seek you earnestly.

Permit me to be honest? Completely. 100%. Totally honest.

When people ask me how I’m doing these days I’m not entirely sure how to respond. I normally say “good” or “okay” because all in all life is good for me in comparision to those around the world and okay is just a cop out answer to keep people from asking more. Yet, sometimes I wonder how I should be responding. Am I good? Am I okay? Especially on days like today when I recognize what a dry and weary land I find myself in am. Am I really “good” or “okay” when I’m going through the motions?

I don’t know how I got here. I didn’t go looking for the desert. Yes, I visited one for the first time ever this summer, but it’s not like I thought hmmm…. I like the green, lush area, but I’m ready for a change… No. I know that some carelessness in neglecting my soul and heart helped get me here. Days without time in the Word helped get me here. Time spent talking AT the Lord, but not listening to the Lord helped get me here… But, there had to be more, right?

Maybe. Yes, I’ve been bruised by life over the last year or more. Yes, I’ve hurt in various situations and hurt over hurting multiple others when there was nothing I could do otherwise, but I do not think that these things along with just the neglect of being in the Word daily and talking AT the Lord instead of with the Lord is entirely responsible.

Rather, I’m determined to figure out what happened. When did I turn into this dry and weary land? When did I become more concerned with life and the unknowns/changes/stressors than about just knowing the Lord and taking life a day at a time? When did I stop wanting to know the Lord more than I wanted to know the Lord’s answers for my life?

Oh, God… You are my God. My soul thirsts for You. I’m a dry and weary land without water, yet I shall seek You earnestly.

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Lord, be enough!

Lord, keep me from wanting the approval of others.

Lord, keep me from harboring grudges against others who give wise counsel, but counsel that goes against what I think I want.

Lord, keep my pride at bay.

Lord, keep me the least and yourself and others foremost.

Lord, keep me from needing to be consoled, accepted, and loved.

Lord, be enough!

Here today… gone tomorrow

I normally always write some sort of reflective post or journal entry when my birthday rolls around. Rather than being reflective and introspective around New Year’s I get that way around my birthday. Yet, my birthday came and went in rather quick fashion. In some ways I don’t even feel it was celebrated in normal fashion, and I’m okay with that.

I know that looking back on the last year always proves fruitful for me.Yet, I don’t feel as reflective lately. So, this rambling may seem a bit more choppy, a bit more disconnected, and just overall less cohesively reflective.

25 was quite the year. It was the year of lots of firsts. LOTS of hard things. Some good things. Amounts of desperation I did not think I could feel.

Firsts: moving out and living with two roommates, first job in Zionsville, first ‘real contract’ job post-graduation, first call to CPS, first chance to really experience what I have always known to be true– kids NEED consistency, first spring break EVER to ‘get away’, first time to live on the north side of town, first time to fly in an airplane (!!!), first time to California and in the Pacific Ocean, first time to see (and meet) some of the greats- J. MacArthur, Rick Holland, Al Mohler… first apartment, first time to buy my own mattress, first time to ever resign from a ‘real’ job… the list could go on and on.

Probably the biggest highlights of the year: getting away over spring break, flying (for the first time) to Cali (for the first time, Resolved, and a few others…

Hardest things: working 2 jobs, certain living arrangements, my job, praying through some decisions, my job, lots of unknowns- at times in virtually every area in my life, my job, my job…

Soundtrack of my life this year:

Whatever You’re Doing by Sanctus Real

Blessed by Rachael Lampa

When the Saints by Sara Grove

Haven’t Met You Yet by Buble

Yearn by Shane and Shane

Rest Easy by Audio Adrenaline

How He Loves by David Crowder

Safe by Phil Wickham

Our Great God by Fernando Ortega

Multiple songs by Enfield

Realize by Colbie Caillat

All I Have is Christ by Sovereign Grace

Jesus Paid it All by Kristian Stanfill

John 15 by Joel Limpic

If We’ve Ever Needed You by Casting Crowns

Behind the Scenes by Francesa Battistelli

God Only Knows by Joy Williams

The Valley by Lindsey Kane

Always by Building 429

Laura Story