WARNING: RANDOM POST FOLLOWS… but it’s my life lately.

Ever had times in your life that you just weren’t sure what was going on? Felt like you were swimming and trying to stay above the waves only to find one coming from a direction you least expected?

I have NO clue what has been going on with me recently, but I feel like I’ve just been a jumble of uncertainty and emotions for a few weeks now. It seems I can cry at the drop of a hat. (Well, not really, but I can over being met by an opossum at the back door to the house– another story for another day). Crazy.

ORPHANS. There’s this book on Africa’s orphans that I have been reading. I can’t help but tear up after reading just a few pages on what the AIDS epidemic is doing in that country. It also makes me feel rather helpless on this side of the globe. Some days I think I should just pack a bag, hop on a plane, and go love on those kiddos in orphanages and on the streets.

DECISIONS. Then, there’s decisions. Particularly one big decision that probably won’t be made for about 7 more months. That seems like a long time, but I’m praying it goes fast and is relatively stress-free (although I’m not holding my breath).

DYING DREAMS. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the death of dreams. There is nothing wrong with dreaming, but I think I need to be realistic and know when it’s time to say goodbye to a dream. That’s been a hard process lately.

SAYING NO. Saying no is hard at times. Telling others no and telling myself no seems to be a theme in my life lately. It hurts- especially when it makes no sense to my human mind.What hurts the most is when I tell God no, in a sense. By following my fleshly desires to sin, it’s like I’m saying ‘No, you’re not enough. No, I don’t love you enough to not do this.”

MY UGLINESS. GOD’S AWESOMENESS. Yesterday’s sermon at church had me in tears yesterday too. I’m okay with admitting that I might cry more than the ‘normal’ person (or I go through spells where I do) but to cry in public, in church… that is something I fight with every inch of my being. Yet, here I was fighting tears during the sermon, and during communion I was sniffling, wiping tears, and later finding dried tears all over my glasses which was probably a give-away to somebody afterward.

To some, it might be considered a ‘basic, oh yeah, I know this’ sermon. It’s stuff I had heard before. But having my ugly sin fresh on my mind, having it mentioned during the sermon, and being reminded anew of the Lord’s COMPLETE and UNFATHOMABLE goodness to ME, to ALL of His children had me in tears. I’ve been feeling rather broken over some particular sin in my life lately and yesterday just proved to be ‘too much.’

KIDS’ MINISTRY. Then there’s this little thing called WOL… Oh my. I had no idea how it would impact my life when I ‘signed up’ for this. No clue what the Lord was going to do in my life through this. No idea how many tears I would cry over what the Lord was doing in my life through this ministry. No idea of how much I would love hanging out with these kids and really investing in them both during WOL and outside. No idea of how humbled I would be by teaching a basic, simplistic lesson on growing as a Christian. No idea how much my own sin would become much more evident to me and to others. No idea how much I would suddenly feel that sin had to be taken so seriously since I was now working with young kiddos, in a position of leadership. I just had NO clue.

SHARED KIDDOS. You know what I love? What I absolutely thank God for? People from my church who are willing to share their kiddos. I’m not sure they understand (as I don’t even grasp it) how this means soooo much to me. Being able to play, feed, cuddle with, and put to bed 4 terrific two-year olds is more than just fun. It encourages me to the very depth of my soul. Taking three fun sisters 12, 9, and 8 out to lunch after church and then taking the youngest two grocery shopping with me is soooo unbelievably refreshing. Enough to make me cry over the Lord’s goodness- 24 hours later. It’s humbling that these parents share and let me a part of their kiddos’ lives.

It’s moments like these that I want to have lots of in the next few years. It’s moments like these that make me hope this big decision I have to make will go okay. If it does, Lord willing,  I’ll be able to have lots more of these moments in an even more fun, exciting way.

NEW ‘FAVORITE’ SONG. Makes me cry. My prayer lately has been to FEEL, to not be so cold-hearted, even if the Lord sees fit to break me in ways I may not ‘enjoy’… and then I heard this song…by Matthew West

So, those are only some of the waves of overwhelmingness and emotion that have been coming my way. They seem so random, but I’m convinced they fit together and with the other waves in a way that I may not understand, but that God does and is completely sovereign over to use in my life for His glory and purposes.